These are very uncertain times, and I feel my brain doesn't know how to cope with it. Where there were plans, there are now questions. And what I always took for granted (e.g. the freedom to go where I want), is now being questioned.
I have some cognitive dissonance, because rationally I truly "believe" (to use an ugly word), that there is no such thing as certainty. There are so many factors to take into account that the world is just too complex in order to make any predictions about it. There's one certainty though, that's that me and everybody I care about will die at some point.
Still these times have given me a mini-neurosis, some kind of resistance to this uncertainty, even though I know it is as it is. It feels kind of stupid. For instance, if it's raining, it's raining, and there's no point in denying it. Still, I catch myself being caught up in the illusion of being in control on a daily basis.
I can of course always blame it on my autism. It might be a bit harder for me to relate new events automatically to experiences already in my brain database, which might cause anxiety correlated with unpredictability. However, I am very much aware of this, and had the feeling I was finally able to cope with this.
In the end, this whole Steven De Blieck project is quite absurd. Contemplating what he wants, what he doesn't. It takes a lot of energy and it doesn't bare a lot of fruit. The only solution for now seems to be mindful of the mental process (hence me writing this for myself, but I thought maybe others could relate?), and clear equanimous seeing of the way things are.
Easier said than done.